Remember what it was to be me: That is always the point.

Several months ago I visited the home of Camille, a friend of my mother's whose calling in life is to journal. At the age of 16 she read the journal of one of her great grandmothers and it deeply impacted her. She began her own, and over the course of her life was inspired and guided on all things journal. You should have seen it. Now in her 70s, she has decades of her life recorded and neatly organized in books, complete with cross references, footnotes, and topics. She has a place for spiritual events, temple experiences, regular life, etc. At the end of each year she creates a table of contents so she can easily come back and relearn from the experiences of that year. Every entry has a heading. Every page a number.

Her work is so thorough, organized, and meaningful that she has coordinated with the church to have it stored in the vaults where it can be used later as a resource and reference to bless the lives of future us.  She told us she doesn't think everyone needs to be as thorough and organized as she is, but she thinks everyone should at least do something.

As Camille shared her testimony, verses from the scriptures, and experiences on the importance of record keeping, I was touched. I wanted to do better. One thing that stood out to me was the fact that, in addition to the scriptures and words of the prophets, she reads a little bit of her journal each day. "My journal is like personal scripture to me," she said.  I wondered how that could be.

Later that week I pulled out my box of journals and found I had completely filled 10 books of various sizes. I started my first in December 2002, at 10 years old. I wrote about Christmas. The next couple years have entries here and there, but nothing consistent. At the beginning of high school I got more into it, and by the time college came I was all about the journal life. I wrote quite a bit on my mission as well, and a fair amount just after. The last couple years have been pretty spotty.

I decided to follow Camille's advice and began reading from my own journals. At random, I chose to first read a journal I kept my sophomore year of college -- Fall 2011.  That was a good choice. I read about my time living at Old Farm in Logan, working at Jamba Juice and Morningside Preschool, staying up late doing homework, and making peanut butter shakes with my roommates. That was the year I learned I love to exercise. I also read about answered prayers and spiritual promptings. I read about my relationship with God, about my scripture studies, my plans for the future, and my fears and my hopes. I was surprised to see how much I had forgotten about that time in my life. I was also surprised to see how much I have changed and grown since then. A lot of those experiences influenced choices I made later, and had an impact on me that I could not have foreseen at the time.

 Eventually I made it to the journal I kept as a sophomore in high school -- Fall 2007. I read about learning to drive, joining the golf team, and taking a hard spanish class. I read about the day we learned my mom was going to have another baby -- the entire family was elated. That list they have you write in young women about what you should look for in a husband was in there (eye roll but also grin that I have such insight into 15 year old me). I got my patriarchal blessing that year, and wrote about many other spiritual experiences and answered prayers.

One such answered prayer came in the form of a girl named Jenna. To make a very long story very short: I went into high school with no friends and I was sad about that. I prayed for months about it and wrote many entries in my journal on the topic. Fortunately, I have a happy disposition and a stellar family, and by some miracle I didn't go completely down a dark and dreary hole of no return. But it was an honest struggle. Tears. Frowns. Etc.

Amidst the struggle, I decided I wanted to go to EFY the next summer and it was coming time to register. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of going by myself, and ended up asking Jenna if she wanted to go with me. She was a friend from school at the time. I didn't know her super well, but we'd been acquaintances for quite a while, and we had several mutual friends. She said yes! As the summer approached, we spent more and more time together, and by the end of EFY week, she was my best friend.

Fast forward 10+ years and look. Alllllll the heart eyes:

I have thanked God from the very bottom of my heart so many times over the years for Jenna. But here's what's crazy: Some time between then and now, I forgot about the struggle! I mean, I was aware of the general experience I had that year, but not the meaning of it. Reading those journal entries, I was reminded just how hard that time was for me. I was reminded just how much I prayed. I was shown the embodiment of God's hand in my life.

I think that might be what Camille meant about her journals being personal scripture. Each entry that I've read over the last few months has been a reminder to me of the things I've learned; a snapshot of a lesson God has taught me; a tick in the timeline of the person He is creating out of me.

In August, my goal was to journal. It didn't really do much for me in the moment, honestly. But I know that future me will be happy to look back and remember what it was to be me.


(Title of the post is a quote from Joan Didion. According to Google. So you never know.)

What I Learned From My Ancestors This Month

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Agnes. She was born in Scotland, but moved to Canada with her family when she was 4 years old. Her parents cleared the land for farming, and that is where she spent her childhood and early adult years. She was the 2nd of 10 children.

In April 1832, she married a fellow named Alexander Hill. A few years later, a couple missionaries came to town and taught the Hill family about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. In 1840, they were baptized as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They had 6 children at the time.

In 1842 they left most of their belongings, and moved to Nauvoo to join the other members of the church.  Like the rest of the saints at that time, Agnes and Alexander faced a lot of persecution and eventually made the trek to the Salt Lake Valley, settling in Millcreek. Also like the rest of the saints, they left behind friends, family, and property at great sacrifice for their beliefs. They ended up with 13 kids and Agnes claimed to have a baker's dozen children.

Her granddaughter wrote: "Agnes taught her children the gospel by example as well as by Precept. She was very industrious. She made lye to make soap, from the wool; and spun the wool into yarn and made it into clothes for her large family. She lived the laws and commandments of the Lord as revealed."

One of their thirteen was a daughter named Agnes, who had a son named William, who had a son named Dennis, who had a son named William, who had a daughter named Carol, who had a daughter named Brittan.

I have another great, great, etc. grandmother named Jane who was a midwife. She saved money from her work and left $25 to each granddaughter named after her.

I have another named Elizabeth. She came to the US from Scotland on a boat (because how else would she have done it...). On the journey, many people suffered with black diphtheria, and she was able to help them as a nurse.

I have one named Hugh who had a stroke at a young age, and was an invalid the rest of his life. He built each of his sons a brick home to live in when they got married.

- - -

Several years ago, my grandma wrote a book called Wildcats, Wagons, Wives, and Wardens. It is written from the perspective of her father, Albert Barlow, about his life, childhood, what led him to choose to live polygamy, and how that affected him and his family.

Reading that book, it was fascinating to see how much I have in common with my great-grandfather. Some of the beliefs and world views he had were definitely passed from him to my grandma, to my mom, to me, and I think that's pretty cool.  It was also interesting to learn about his parents and siblings, and what it was like growing up in Utah in the early 1900s.

- - -

A couple weeks before my 12th birthday, my father passed away. A year later, my mom took us children to visit his grave, but I haven't been back since. I guess it's because I don't really associate that spot in the ground with him...? I don't know. But I decided Family History month would be a good time to visit. So one sunny Saturday morning, I took Benjamin with me in search of our dad's grave. First of all, it was an ordeal just finding the cemetery because google was being ridiculous and my memory of its location was 13 years old. But find it we did! Unfortunately, we hadn't a clue where in the cemetery to look, and the help desk people were closed. So we just searched at random for a minute. Then we called my mom who led us astray for several minutes. Then we called my grandma who gave us some hints (thank goodness for cardinal directions, everyone). After maybe 40 minutes of wandering, we finally found it!

1. I was surprised how old it looked. It doesn't feel like it's been there that long.
2. Believe it or not, I still don't associate that spot with my actual dad.
3. I felt a little bad about the fact that we didn't even have any flowers to put there or anything. What kind of children are we?!
4. I think it was worth the trip. It was nice to dedicate some time to thinking about him and what he taught me and about the Plan of Salvation, and etc.

What else did I do during my Family History month, you might ask?

I indexed 72 records. The goal was 100, which I did not quite accomplish, but it was still a valiant effort. Previous to this month, I had done a total of 7 in my life.

I got a few names to take to the temple (which I have not yet done, so here we go August).

I attended Family History class at church. That was definitely a highlight of the month. The teacher would present a little lesson/discussion on some related topic and then we would spend time on familysearch.org. It was nice to be reminded about why we need to learn about and find our ancestors, about the importance of the family, about making covenants with God, and about God's plan for his children.

Last week in class she read to us from this talk by Elder Renlund. Here is what he said:

"As we participate in family history and temple work today, we also lay claim to the "healing" blessings promised by prophets and apostles. These blessings are also breathtakingly amazing because of their scope, specificity, and consequence in mortality. This long list includes these blessings:
- Increased understanding of the Savior and His atoning sacrifice;
- Increased influence of the Holy Ghost to feel strength and direction for our own lives;
- Increased faith, so that conversion to the Savior becomes deep and abiding;
- Increased ability and motivation to learn and repent because of an understanding of who we are, where we come from, and a clearer vision of where we are going.
- Increased refining, sanctifying, and moderating influences in our hearts;
- Increased joy through an increased ability to feel the love of the Lord;
- Increased family blessings, no matter our current, past, or future family situation or how imperfect our family tree may be;
- Increased love and appreciation for ancestors and living relatives, so we no longer feel alone;
- Increased power to discern that which needs healing and thus, with the Lord's help, serve others;
- Increased protection from temptations and the intensifying influence of the adversary; and
- Increased assistance to mend troubled, broken, or anxious hearts and make the wounded whole.
If you have prayed for any of these blessings, participate in family history and temple work. As you do so, your prayers will be answered."

This is huge. In the last few weeks I have had multiple friends talk with me about big and real and deep and intense trials and struggles they are facing. Not to mention the pit of despair the world seems to be plunging into willy nilly. It's scary! And confusing. It makes me feel tired.

But hearing those promises from Elder Renlund's talk is truly inspiring. Many of those blessings I have prayed for almost word for word. It is hopeful and wonderful to know that there is light! There is good in the dark world, and we have tools and means to access it.

I'm grateful for the blessing July was in my life. August 1st me is a little better than July 1st me because of it.

(P.S. If you have no idea what the crap I'm talking about with family history and indexing and temple and etc. send me a message and I'll be glad to fill you in)

What I Learned From Opening a Cookbook This Month

Dear all roommates past and present,

I'm sure you rolled your eyes or survived a fit of laughter or almost peed your pants when you found out I wanted to do nutrition-y stuff with my life. And I'm sure you said to yourself, "Doesn't she know that nutrition involves actually cooking...?" I'm sure you pondered on our months of living in the same house and counted on one hand the number of meals I cooked. I'm sure you thought about all the delicious and nutritious meals you actually cooked for me and thought about how you would probably make a better nutritionist than I would.

Well. Have no fear. I thought the same things. Fortunately for me, June 2018 came, and along with it a goal to cook three dinners per week.

The rules were as follows:
1. Every meal had to have at least one side dish.
2. Either the main dish or the side dish or both had to be something I had never previously made.
3. I could only crock pot once (because I'm sure all those meals you counted on your one hand involved the crock pot).
4. Don't worry about anything else (i.e. how nutritious it actually is, how it looks, how it smells, how it tastes, how long it takes, etc.).

I honestly had my doubts as to whether or not I could do this goal, but guess what! I DID IT!! Okay, I missed 1.5 meals, but still. Success.

Here's the crazier part: It was like my old kitchen self died and was replaced by this really awesome new kitchen self.

Old Kitchen Self:
1. Cringes at the very thought of cooking.
2. Takes a million years every time she cooks anything because she reads the recipe ten million times, asks 12 million questions, complains 45 million times, cuts her finger, doesn't have all the ingredients, gets teary when chopping onions, finds a hair in her food, etc.
3. Has to follow the recipe with exactness or else she has a heart attack and a stroke at the same time.
4. Doesn't even go into the kitchen so as to avoid 1-3.

New Kitchen Self:
1. Finds herself calm and content when thinking about what to make for dinner.
2. Has superhero speed when it comes to chopping, mixing, measuring, etc.
3. Can easily go with the flow when it comes to recipes that aren't very specific, and somehow finds a way to make it all work out just fine.
4. Not only does she enter the kitchen, but she brings friends with her to partake of the food.

I'd say the highlight was the day I invited a small crowd to come eat food I made for my birthday, because 1) I don't cook and 2) I don't invite crowds of any size over.  It was a real plot twist for everyone involved.

So a big fat thanks to anyone who ate my food this month. Good news: I think New Kitchen Self is here to stay, so get excited to see what July has in store for us.

The crowd minus the food

What I Think and Feel at 25

To be quite honest, 25 has been one of my very favorite ages. It’s been a life-changer, for sure. Here are some of the highlights:

-        Ran a marathon to celebrate my quarter century birthday

-        Went to Europe for the first time

-        Went to Georgia twice

-        Went to Texas thrice

-        Started an online nutritionist program

-        Watched my sister give birth to her second daughter

-        Moved to American Fork

-        Welcomed a brother home from his mission

-        Watched another brother get married

-        Got my doula certification

-        Went to Europe for the second time (and drove on the left side of the road)

-        Led a choir

But, as I'm sure you could guess (because cliche and stuff), it really wasn’t these things that made 25 so great. I could make similar lists for when I was 24 and 21 and 17 and all my other ages. I think what made 25 so great was what happened on the inside.

I felt some significant shifts this year. Maybe it was my prefrontal cortex doing some developing? I think it was more than that.

A friend recently pointed out to me that F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote an essay called "What I Think and Feel at 25" when he was this age. I haven’t actually read all of his, so I wouldn’t say I’m recommending it. I’m just doing my own because how could I not?! You’re only 25 once.

What I Think and Feel at 25

I think about my childhood a lot, and about my siblings, and my family. It’s been an interesting 25 years with them... I’ll just leave it at that. Maybe we can pick up on this note in another 25 years.

I think forgiveness and love are the answers to pretty much everything. Easy to say, harder to do. I have prayed A LOT about these two things over the last 25 years, and especially the last five. For a long time, it felt like I was getting nowhere; like I was saying the same thing in different words over and over and over and over and nothing was happening. But I didn’t stop. And then, almost overnight it seemed like, it got me somewhere. At some point while I was 25, I realized that I was in a different place. I was forgiving and loving like I never have before. I feel deeply grateful to God for that.

Speaking of God, I think He is even better than I can imagine.

I feel nervous about taking the next step. I always have. But more than that, I feel certain that it's right, and that God is here to help me. So, I'm taking it.

I think we know less than we think we do. I also think we don't need to know as much as we think we need to know. And the more I think about that, the more at peace I feel with my life, honestly. I know enough for today. I am in the right place. I am going in the right direction. I think that's all I need to know right now.

I feel happy with where I am. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go, but I'm okay with that. I know that will come with time. I think 50-year-old me will look back at 25-year-old me and smile, knowing what's coming ahead -- what joys and pains and fears and victories and heartbreaks and triumphs I will face. Knowing that it will work out. Knowing it will be hard, but so good.

I think life is beautiful and worth it. 

Tomorrow I'm 26. I think I'll like being 26. 

What I learned from The Family: A Proclamation to the World this month

If you know me at all, you probably know that I really love families. I always have. My siblings have always been my best friends. I always said I wanted to be a mom when I grew up. I studied families in college. I worked with families professionally. I love getting to know other families. I believe in the family.

In 1995, the presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a statement they called "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." This one-page document is a declaration of the importance of the family in God's plan, and how we need to do our part to protect and strengthen families. (If you haven't read it, you can find it here).

My goal for May was to memorize it. I spent the month studying it and thinking about it and reciting it to myself, and guess what. Success! But if you want to hear it you'll have to take me to lunch so I can show you in person... :)

A couple days ago I read an old mormon newsroom article from 2013 called "Homage to the Home: Why Society Needs Strong Families" (you can read it here). The author discusses some of the implications (in society and otherwise) of deteriorating families. I particularly appreciated this reminder: None of us is born a mere individual. We come to this world with a network of pre-existing relationships, bonds and obligations, both familial and civil.

I just want you to know that I believe this is true. It can be tempting to focus on ourselves and our own wants, desires, talents, and goals. It can sometimes be easier to just do it on our own. Being in a family is hard! Even though I love my family, I can tell you that some of my very most heart-wrenching trials, my longest cry sessions, my sincerest prayers, have been because of them. But I can also tell you that some of my sweetest memories, some of my most joyful laughs, and some of my most important life choices have been because of them.

I am not a mere individual. I am connected to a family here on earth, and each of us is connected as part of God's eternal family. It's not a matter of social construct or culture. It's by divine design.

I choose to stand for the family, and I invite you to do the same.

What I Learned from my "Structured Social Media" Month

Originally, the goal was going to be zero social media for a month (referring to Facebook and Instagram). When I told my mother, she said, "But you're going to check the work page, right?"

Blast. In addition to work responsibilities on Facebook, I also have legitimate school responsibilities there that I must attend to.

So I renamed the goal: Structured social media for a month. Meaning, don't get on and waste time staring at useless junk. Get on, do what you need to do, maybe glance at the top three things that popped up on the feed, and get off.

This is a really big deal because I'm usually more of an all-or-nothing person (see March's goal). However, I don't actually believe in all or nothing. What I truly believe in is baby steps! Small and simple things bring about great things, my friends (see January's goal). This month was the perfect opportunity for me to see baby steps in action in my life.

I didn't make any mind-blowing discoveries, but I just have to tell you anyway for the sake of consistency (because btw, consistency is my number one strength according to StrengthsFinder).

Pop Quiz: What did I gain from this month of structured social media?

a) If I only look at the top 3 to 5 things that come up on my feed, and I only do that once-ish per day, I'm basically guaranteed a win-win.  I get to see my bff's engagement or new baby or new dog or new job or super inspiring article, and I also don't get sucked in and waste time and look at things that make me forget all the good in the world.

b) It is actually possible for me to let go of an all-or-nothing mentality and find joy in the balance.

c) Instead of scrolling through the feed, I spent time in the kitchen feeding my belly (in preparation for a future month's goal, so get excited). I made eggplant, liver and onions, two different kinds of enchiladas, meatloaf, and chocolate avocado truffles.

d) I tried out some podcasts! I've never been a big podcast person, but I found some worthwhile episodes, so that was fun.

e) I was happy.

f) All of the above

g) A, B, D, and E


Good luck.

(Here's a cute pic of me and the sibs right before I left on my mission and long before I ever considered getting into social media. Also, Lily did jump...which is crazy considering how tiny she is compared to that wall)

What I Learned From Driving the Speed Limit for a Month

I had the blessed opportunity of spending the first two weeks of this month in Texas at my sister's house. Since I was riding in the passenger seat for those 14 days, I thought March would be the perfect month for my goal of driving the speed limit. (i.e. I would actually only have to do it for half a month and therefore have a higher chance of succeeding.)

Well. I started driving on the 14th, and on the 19th I gave up on my goal. Fail. So there you have it. I'm really good at speeding and I'm really not good at not speeding.

Here's what the month taught me:

1. Sometimes you fail at your goals. Oh wait. I already knew that. I've failed plenty of other goals. And that's fine.

2. If you're gonna set a goal, make sure it's one you actually want to do, or else you won't do it.

3. When you realize you set the wrong goal, just pick a new one!

Would you like to hear my new goal??

You may recall I started a holistic nutritionist program online last year and it's been a real treat. In one of my classes, we've spent a lot of time talking about what we actually want to do as nutritionists -- what kind of clients we want to attract, and what our niche will be.  Considering my background, you would probably think it was obvious what niche I would choose, but I honestly wasn't sure. I toyed around with a few ideas for a while, and eventually settled into this: Fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum.

It's been a couple months since that decision, which means I've had time to doubt and worry and reconsider and etcetera. Even with all of that, I still feel good about it. In fact, I feel great.

So, these last two weeks at work I've had the lucky opportunity to spend time with dozens of pregnant women in a similar capacity to what I want to do with my actual career, and guess what. I. Love. Pregnant women. And babies. And families. And everything about all of that.

It's been HEAVEN!! You guys!!!!! I've found my future. And it's not slow driving.

My new goal is to start taking real steps toward my transition into my nutritionist life. These steps include things like finalizing intake forms, getting a logo, getting a business license (or whatever you have to do...), etc. I want to start working with real people at the beginning of June. And I'm so excited. I think about it all the time.

Basically, March taught me that I've chosen the right career. I can't even wait.