I Got Married. Part II.

Here's a secret: I actually ended that last post where I did because I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EVEN REMOTELY CONCEIVABLY REALISTICALLY AUTHENTICALLY EXPLAIN THE MADNESS THAT HAPPENED INSIDE OF ME OVER THE NEXT TEN MONTHS.

But I want to share it for a couple reasons:
1. The whole process of dating, engaging, and marrying was absolutely nothing like I thought it would be, and I learned a TON. And I want to remember that.
1.5. Maybe it will shed some light on the situation for someone else who is or will also be seeing that dating, engaging, and/or marrying are nothing like they thought it would be. And we can relate! And be friends.
2. I believe in marriage. So here's the story of the beginning of one.

The first memory I have of Jordan after that game night activity in January was September 30, 2018. I knew that his birthday was that weekend, so I said something along the lines of, "I saw it was your birthday yesterday!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! How old are you?? What did you do? Did you do something fun to celebrate?!?! How was it?! Did you love it??????" You know. All enthusiastic because I love birthdays and celebrating the fact that people are alive.  And he said something like, "It was good. I didn't really do anything to celebrate. We'll probably have cake with my family tonight. I don't really care about my birthday..."  All unenthusiastic because he likes to be chill about everything and not make a big deal about big-deal things like the fact that he was BORN once upon a time.

The first real conversation I remember having with him came one Sunday when I forgot to ask my usual question of, "Did you do anything fun this week?" (I probably forgot because he always said no) (and it would be rude to keep asking after a few months of no because then he might recognize how boring his life is, right?) (so I forgot to ask one Sunday, and then he said this to me): "I actually did something this week!" And then he told me about how he went to lunch at chuck-a-rama with his grandparents and sister. Which clued me in to the fact that he has a family (surprise!). And thus we started talking about real-life stuff.

Fast forward to February 23, 2019. We had been on several dates, and that day he invited me over to his house for dinner. This is what I said about it in my journal the next day: "Last night I was at his house and I met his parents and little sister and had dinner with them. Sigh... I don't really want to go into all the details right now because I've basically been OVERTHINKING all of this all month long now, but I will tell you this: He is so nice and thoughtful, and he listens with intention. And he's funny. And wholesome and good. And respectful. I like him."

If I could describe my experience dating Jordan in one word, it would be: dramaticemotionalrollercoaster. Where did all the drama come from? Me. Where did all the emotional roller coastering come from? Me.

The Monday after our first date, I went into work and told my mom all the pros (like the fact that we got Thai food -- for real, that automatically put him a step ahead), but then I was like, "Buuuut, meh, I don't know, I mean, he was nice, but it's probably not gonna go anywhere and I don't know, and I didn't tell him I'd go on another date, so maybe I just won't." And she said, "Oh please. Just go on another date." So I said, "Fine."

Date after date, it was the same, "He's so nice and so fun and so cool! But, meh, I don't know, it's probably not gonna go anywhere, might as well end it now before we get too far in and make things more difficult..."

Then I went to his house for said dinner, and his mom already knew everything about me. "So, you work for your parents selling some sort of energy system thing?" "So, you're studying nutrition right now?" "So, you went on a mission to Texas?" "So, you're 26 and your favorite color is orange and your favorite food is sandwiches and you have a degree in Family Studies and you have four brothers and two sisters and you like to travel?"

And I was like, "Ohhhhh no, am I leading him on?? Do I want this? What is going on? Is this okay? Did I let it go too far? What if I break his mom's heart too??" Freak out, freak out, freak out.

But I just kept going. Honestly, I can't even tell you exactly why, but it was probably because there wasn't really a reason to stop. That might sound lame, but it is what it is. It wasn't like, "Oh yes, this feels different, I can tell this is the one (*magical butterflies of surety that I know he's right for me*)." Perhaps the real reason I let it carry on was a huge epiphany I had had the year before. After some serious self-reflection, I realized that I was so absolutely 100% terrified of divorce that it was preventing me from moving forward with anyone ever. Because dating = marriage and breaking up = divorce and I can't even start unless I KNOW it will work out. That was how I lived my life. Well, I decided to challenge this belief, and sure enough: Dating ≠ marriage and breaking up ≠ divorce. And you know what else? Divorce ≠ death. IF I do be brave and get married and then all my worst nightmares come true and I end up divorced? I'll be fine. I will survive. I will be happy. The world will not end. All will be well. I have seen this happen dozens of times (which is also the cause of the fear, but let's not focus on that).

Basically, it was me giving myself permission to let go of expectations, try new things, be open to people and experiences, soften my heart, etc. All the while telling myself, "I am safe. This is okay. This is not permanent. I can be done at any time and we will both be fine."

If you're reading this and fearing for my life because, "WHY would Brittan date someone that makes her feel like she has to tell herself she's okay and this is not permanent?!" Don't worry. It was not him. It was definitely me.

Let me long-story-short the next few months of our dating life. This is how it went on the outside:
- Dates
- Good conversations
- Hard conversations
- Food
- All the marvel movies
- Road trip to California for the wedding of some friends from church
- I love you
- Family dinners
- Reading books
- Working on a stellar crafty project I wanted to do
- More good conversations
- More hard conversations
- Pretending we're not dating at church so as not to get the whole world involved
- Food

This was how it went in my brain:
- He's so great!
- Bah! Should I just break up with him? Is this gonna work?
- He's so nice!
- Oh NO! What if he's actually a serial killer and I'm just missing all the red flags??
- He's so thoughtful!
- I CAN'T COMMIT MYSELF FOREVER TO SOMEONE I DON'T EVEN KNOW!!
- Should I just break up with him? I'm breaking up with him.
- You're not committing yourself to someone you don't know, you're getting to know someone to see if you want to commit. And you can take your sweet time doing it.
- Oh good. Okay. I'll take my time.
- Have I taken my time too long and now it's too late to break up???
- WHAT IF WE GET MARRIED AND HE SEES HOW BORING I ACTUALLY AM?
- I love him!
- I HAVE to break up with him the next time I see him. It's the only way.
- Dating ≠ marriage. You're not married right now. You're fine.
- He's so supportive!
- HE'S LIVING A LIE AND ANY SECOND I'M GOING TO FIND OUT AND BE HEARTBROKEN!
- Should I just break up with him?

A lot of anxiety, which was an entirely new and unexpected experience for me. I do not have anxiety. So, of course, that alone made me constantly question, "Is this a sign? This isn't right? We should break up??"

One day, I made an important realization: Every time I seriously consider breaking up with Jordan, it's because a hard topic has become relevant to discuss and rather than have that hard conversation, I think I might want to avoid it all together and just end the relationship. This happened sub-consciously numerous times, but once I figured it out, life got a bit easier. Suddenly feel like this is the end? What am I avoiding talking about? Oh, that? Okay, I'll be brave and talk about it.  The talks would always go well. Obviously. Because Jordan is thoughtful and nice and reasonable and non-judgmental and willing to be vulnerable and listen and have the difficult chats.

After a few months, we did start talking about marriage. Jordan was all for it. I was on the fence. Because see above.

I would say my main hold up was this: Is it God's will that I marry him? Does He approve? What if He didn't approve, would I be willing to listen to that? How does this even work? Was that the right question? What do I even want?? Of course, I was praying about it constantly from day one, but all that dang anxiety made real Heavenly connection really hard, and I just wasn't sure what was going on.

I decided to approach it with my typical decision-making protocol: Pros and Cons list! It turned out brilliant, actually. As I filled in my lists, I realized there were a few important things I felt we needed to discuss before I could commit to marrying him, and I just wouldn't feel like it was a Yes until those things were taken care of. I told Jordan this and we spent the next few weeks slowly checking those topics off the list. I remember going home the night we checked off the last topic, looking at my list, and thinking, "I guess I have a choice to make now." I think I had been expecting it all to become abundantly clear after all the talking, but it wasn't. However, two things did become clear:

1. I had been looking for/expecting perfection, without realizing it. In fact, I had consciously told myself that I was not looking for perfection. In reality, what I was looking for was someone with all the "perfect" flaws... or perfect "flaws." You know? Like the easy flaws. Like they leave their clothes on the floor sometimes. Plus the flaws I have. Because mine are acceptable.  .... hehehe, yes. It's true. Luckily my eyes were opened to this and I asked myself, "Do I want someone who is perfect? No. That's ridiculous. So, I need to decide if I accept Jordan for the human he is. If I do, cool. If I don't, break up."

2. I really love love loved being single. I was quite surprised to realize how attached I was to my single life and my single self-identity. I loved doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I loved not having to talk to anyone about how I spent my money. I loved not having to be accountable to anyone. I loved traveling the world whenever I felt like it. I loved staying with my sister in Texas for two weeks whenever my heart desired. (Side note: I bought a plane ticket the day before I told Jordan I would marry him, just so I wouldn't feel obligated to consult with him... I know... I have issues... it's fine).

After weighing my options, praying, thinking, discussing, praying, thinking, praying, freaking out, I decided to go for it. I wanted to marry Jordan Bender and since I wasn't getting a giant sign from Heaven either way, I was going to do as I pleased until told otherwise.

It was a Monday evening in June when I told him I was ready to commit. He said Yay. Then we went to a church activity and acted like everything was normal. But I just kept staring at him and thinking to myself, "That's my future husband!"